Brady and Hay
by Ruthyroo
Summary: After tonight's E4 episode. Stendan.


**Brady and Hay :)**

I thought I was doing Okay, I thought that the time I spent away with Cheryl had helped me, but now I'm back everything is getting on top of me again. Cheryl tried her best to make me understand, but the thing is I'll never understand. Brendan fought so hard for a normal life, for a future with me and in the end he just threw it all away. How can I begin to understand that when I know he loved me more than anything? If only he'd told the truth, I'm sure the police would have understood. Self-defense was all is was at the end of the day, but the thought of Cheryl going to prison was too much for him I guess. Part of me believes that he wanted to die that night and in some ways I think that might have been better for both of us. It's so hard knowing he's alive, and not being able to be with him, to touch him, to love him. It's like I'm being punished and I know I don't deserve it. Cheryl is moving on nicely, happy and in love with Nate and deep down I hate her for that.

What kind of sister lets her brother take the fall? Especially after everything he went through with Seamus. If anyone deserved a happy ending it was him. But life has wronged him so much and now the love of my life will spend the rest of his life behind bars, being treated like an animal. I know he had his faults, I know that more than most, but underneath it all was a frightened man just wanting me to love him and I did with all of my heart. I still do. Nothing will ever change how I feel; it will always be him no matter what. It's almost laughable really that he thinks I can live without him, haven't I proved that I can't enough to him. I will fight for him, even now and when he does finally agree to see me, I will remind him that I am here to stay, forever. He could never get rid of me before and he's not going to get rid of me now. Cheryl promised that if she hears from him she'll let me know and I believe her. It must be the guilt of what she has done to us.

I thought that I would be able to get straight back to work like nothing had happened. I thought that I'd slip on my chinos and blue shirt and that It would go back to how it was before, but I suppose I've just outgrown the Deli. Part of me only ever did it to get back at Brendan. I wanted him to see that I could stand on my own two feet without his help, but I only hurt myself. Look at all the time I wasted, I could have been with Brendan, but instead I was with Doug, even though I knew I didn't love him. I had to prove to Brendan that I could cope on my own, that I wasn't just a toy that he could play with and when he finally realised that, that's when I knew that I couldn't live without him. I should have married Brendan that day not Doug. Steven Brady…it has a certain ring to it doesn't it? In my eyes we are married, even if it's only make believe. He was my first love and he will be my last, I will never love another for as long as I live.

I can't take any more from Doug, him and the Deli are driving me mad. I have no interest in any of it now, not when I can go and play with the big boys. I tell Doug I can't do this anymore, I tell him the truth, only he doesn't like it, but I no longer care. I can't stand another second in his company. He only ever brought me down, turned me into something I wasn't. I've had time to think and looking over at Chez Chez, I know where my future lies. My future is with Brendan and if I can't have him, then I'll have to settle for the next best thing and that is his club. The place where I first met him. The place where we laughed and cried. The place where we fought and made up. The place where it all ended. How can I let all that go? If anyone else should sit in his chair then it should be me. I will sell my half of the Deli; I will sell everything I own, until the club is mine. Maybe one day he will come back and we'll both be waiting.

There is nothing that will make me change my mind, I have to do this. It's the only thing that matters to me now. I have a purpose, a reason for getting up in the morning and I swear I will make Brendan proud of me. After leaving the Deli for the last time I head home. The flats in a bad way and I need to clean it up, but I have something far more important to do first. I go into my bedroom and pull out my old Chez Chez t-shirt from the wardrobe. It's a bit smelly so I stick it in the wash with some other bits and then I slowly begin cleaning the flat. After a few hours the flat almost looks normal…almost. There is still the most important thing missing, Brendan is still missing, but for now I have something to focus on, something to get me through the day. I take the clean Chez Chez top from the machine and for the first time in ages I smile. I smile because holding that top in my hand with the prospect of wearing it again warms me so much. I will not rest until that club is in my name and who knows I might even change the name. Brady's…yeah or even better Brady and hay.

**Please review xx xx xx**


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